10,000 Demons

This is in progress. Sometimes posting things helps me with them.

-----------------------------------------------------

I’ve stopped dating mono-racially white people.  But for reals this time, not like the last time I broke up with a mono-racially white lover, 2 mono-racially white ex lovers ago.

It’s not fair to either of us when I date mono-racially white folks. I don’t let them in, I don’t trust them, I don’t let myself imagine a future with them. They fall in love. And I let them. I let them fall in love with me and I try to convince myself that I care about them. What I can’t convince myself of is that I can ever let go of the idea of dating someone like me.

What I like about dating mono-racially white folks is that I’m always other to them. Once white folks find out I’m biracial, I will never be white, no matter what I look like. It’s similar to my experience of being trans. Once non-trans folks find out that I’m trans, I’m never a man; I’m always a tranny. Which is ok with me because I like being a tranny and being perceived as a trans. But I don’t like being perceived as white because it silences half of my heritage; the half that’s most important to me because that’s what I grew up with. And that whole not being white because I’m a passing biracial only happens 100% of the time with mono-racially white folks.

I’ve got this internalized shit that pulls at me with other mixed folx and people of color. I worry that they don’t see me as mixed, that my Chicano-ness is swallowed by my skin. I’m obsessed with the ways people look at me, the ways people perceive me. Growing up I was the white girl my brown mother always wanted to be. I stare at myself wondering if people still see that white little girl. Or do I look Chicano now that I’m on testosterone? It’s only been since I’ve transitioned that non-Latinos have told me I “look” Latino. I think it’s cause I’m short. But still, I stare at myself. Do I look like a girl or a boy, Mexican or white. It’s hard to see myself for everything I am in the mirror. I see the white girl cutting herself praying for the strength to push harder against the vein. I see the good Latina going to church every week, going to Catholic high school and Catholic college. I see the tranny with acne and facial hair that won’t grow in evenly. But all at once, totally seeing myself doesn’t happen very often.

Mono-racially white people don’t see me for everything either. They just don’t see me as white. It’s not enough for me anymore.

I’ve always been able to see myself when I’m reflected in my lovers. Like when I figured out I was a giant faggot and I went after the biggest trannyfags I could find. To actually be with someone who saw me as male for the first time was amazing, especially since his body looked so much like mine. I want to see my mixed-ness reflected that way. It has been with people who I play with or date casually. But never actually in a relationship.

This only-dating-monoracially-white-people track record of mine is a hot mess. While they might be easier to date in some ways, they’re also really hard to date. Because they always seem to do some kind of fucked up shit. Like the ex who would ask me to translate things for them. Or the ex who would make fun of me because I can’t roll my r’s. In this decision to stop dating mono-racially white people, I’m releasing some of those demons.