Lab Rat

I wrote this while on lots of pain meds so it's probably more ranty and less edited than my other blogs.

It's wierd feeling sick all the time. Feeling like I'm spending most of my time recovering from surgeries, in hospitals or worried about more hospital visits. I know that when I get sick I go a little high on the diva chart, but being a princess makes is seem a little better for me.

I just had my tonsils and my uvula (the dangly thing in the back of your throat) removed. While it's not a major surgery- only 2 weeks recovery time- I think my healing is slowed since I just had a double mastectomy less than 3 months ago. As phase 2 of this current surgery, I have to get surgery again in 6 months to fix my deviated septum. And I discovered a small tumor in my arm which I'm hoping is a cist, but either way will have to be taken out. Also, because I'm a diva and blow things slightly out of proportion sometimes I'm convinced that I have some sort of uterine cancer. All my insides are dying and collapsing in on themselves, so it would make sense. I get cramps, the really bad kind of cramps that FTM's get which usually indicate it's medically necessary to have a hysterectomy.  Cramps that start immediately after I orgasm. Even I am not enough of a massochist to enjoy them. They hurt, fuck me up and I can't move for at least 45 minutes after I get them.

I'm waiting until I'm a little more healed from my current uvula/tonsilectomy to make an appointment about the cramps and the tumor. I can only deal with one tranny related health problem at a time. Well, the tumor is probably from my grandmother being doused in pesticides and not tranny related. But everything else is.

I have one of the stupidist side effects of testosterone, second only to tragic tranny balding (which I'm convinced that I do have): sleep apnea. Taking testosterone apparently bulks my massive tranny muscles up so much that there's not room for air to go through my giant tranny throat when I'm sleeping. Sleep apnea means that I snore really loud, I stop breathing up to hundreds of times a night and my memory goes straight down the tranny tube (not to be confused with the tranny tube that sits around my belly). I can't remember anything unless I really really concentrate on it, and even then I will probably forget part of it. I'm a really great person to tell secrets to.

When I was diagnosed with sleep apnea I felt like it was probably connected to taking T. Most people who get it are heavier men in their 40's or older. At first it wasn't a big deal that I had sleep apnea. I took home my bulky, hideous, expensive C-PAP machine that I had to sleep with every night so it could force pressurized air down my throat. As I wore the machine the first few weeks I kissed my slut days good bye- I might not want to fuck (and then sleep with) someone who has to use a giant, ugly machine at night that has long ugly grey hoses that flop around. My partner assured me that some people might be into cyborg play.

Apparently cyborg play wasn't into me- the fucking machine (as in damn machine, not as in an actual fucking machine, which would work very well for me!) didn't work and my memory got worse because I was sleeping even less with the C-PAP. So I saw another doctor who said surgery is the only other alternative. After doing a little internet research I found out that sleep apnea is a side effect of T, and I probably signed off on a form 3 years ago saying that I understood that. I have no recollection of what was on this form other than balding, ruining my liver and heart problems. 

And here I am, recovering from part 1 of my 2 part sleep-apnea-tranny-surgery. I get to have another surgery in 6 more months, then I'll be able to breathe at night. I'm so happy I have insurance. Especially when I get horrible cramps even though I have no period and when I discover new tumors on different parts of my body (I had a breast tumor removed with my boobs in February).

It's very apparent to me now that I, and most of my friends, are lab rats. Even though no one is documenting anything, we're lab rats. No one really knows what long term use of T does to FTM's. They don't even know what all the side effects are. And I personally feel that some of the "side effects" are sexist, like aggression and sex drive. Neither of those changed in me. If anything, I'm more comfortable in expressing my emotions now. Commercials, weddings and the animal planet all make me cry post-T. My sex drive stayed the same, while the actual sensation I had changed. My sex drive is now much lower because I live in fear of the cramps I'm likely to get after I orgasm.

Logitudinal studies of T will probably focus first on white FTM's, then on FTM's of color. There's hardly any research in ANY health area for mixed folks, let alone the mixed trannies (and much of the existing research shows significantly different health risk factors for mixed folks). I will be unsuprised when all of my friends start dying en masse in their 40's and 50's.

I'm tired of being a lab rat, especially when it seems like no one is paying attention to all of us. I'm also tired of surgeries, doctors and hospitals. I'm tired of feeling tired all the time and tired of not being able to go out much. I haven't even been calling back all my friends because between my health, my work and Ruby's murder I'm not able to deal with anything more. Being trans is quickly losing cuteness.

And I'm sorry to all my friends who haven't heard from me in a few months.