learning spanish

My mouth stumbles over words I don't know to make sounds I've heard all my life.

The rr's stick in the back of my throat, held captive by my German ancestry. 

I understand casi todo, but I can't reply.  I am a prisoner of my own fears and self doubts.  I am afraid of sounding white, I am afraid of saying the wrong thing, I am afraid that when I speak all that is visible is the assimilation of my family and the heritage of my father.

Frustrated and angry with my mother, I listen to the white homos in mi nivel grasp el subjuntivo en el pasado perfecto while I struggle, held back by memories of family laughing at my Spanish, code switching so I couldn't understand. 

Comments

[ShadyLover]

what does sounding white mean?

[LoganJoaquin]

Sorry, that was problematic. What I mean is sounding like the white US tourists when I speak spanish. And, as fucked up as it is, speaking with a US accent is the same to me as sounding white when I speak spanish.

[ShadyLover]

i know. just keeping you on yer toes. hehe.

[Celeste]

i love your writing. xo - from another diasporic mixed queer..

[Storm Miguel]

i'm so glad you're writing, jotito. love your words. i can totally relate to the fear, struggle and frustration of speaking/learning spanish. thanks for voicing it.
xo!